Final update: 16 Jan 06, 5.38p

I'm free! Finally, after three years in AOhelL I'm free! I quit that lousy goddamn job and I'm the happiest I've been in more than three years. I won't have to listen to some luser whine about how she lost her boyfriend because AOL leaves her profile up when she closes the account, I won't have to listen to some NY asshole bullshit about how he's losing thousands of dollars in Ebay because he can't get to their website using Internet Explorer and a non AOL cable connection and it's all AOL's fault, I'll never have to ask someone to spell their screen name six times in a row because they can't figure out that when they say "'excalibur' spelled just like it sounds" that normal English speakers will NOT take that to mean 'xcalleeburr6969'. No more listening to people whine about getting someone in America because they don't like Indian accents and spending half the call neeping because I always send them to India. No more people interrupting me to tell me they don't know much about computer. I already know that; you use AOL.

And while I won't quote the speech, because it's not in the same class, it is appropriate although accidental that I am free on MLK day.

   Last time, it took three years before I was so burned out that I needed this kind of thing. This time around, it's only been a little over a year. I'm so burnt that I have to carry dental records instead of a drivers' license, and I can't be fingerprinted. I have to be carbon dated. Of course, doing tech support being a Customer Care Consultant for AOLusers wears on a person. When you have to spend 30 minutes to have two people plug in one end of a standard phone cord to a standard phone jack, then have to face the prospect of doing it again on the other end, it's nice that the cube walls are made of cloth over styrofoam, to avoid damage to your skull and to keep the noise down.

   Of course, working for them, you're not really a tech. Everyone who complains how bad AOL tech support is, you need to know the truth. We are required, on pain of being fired, to use a 'tool' with all the utility of a dead badger. It does things like tell us, when the ready light on your DSL modem is blinking, meaning that the modem is offline, to update the USB drivers. This is stupid for two reasons; First, the modem's light should be on whether or not the computer is attached, if the power and phone line is connected and filtered correctly, and second, earlier in the flow we'd already told it that it was an ethernet connection. For this reason, we refer to this 'tool' as "Sheerluck." As in, "If it works, it's sheer luck."

   Fortunately, when we get to the end of one of these stupid flows, we're allowed to do the one thing necessary to actually fix the problem. But it screws up the call times that we're also required to stick to. Which leads me to an updated version of my original 'How To Keep Your Tech Happy' document, specifically for AOLusers.

AOLuser the First, and the one who had me drag the corpse of the DoD out of its grave.

This goober called in and whined about how he's been an AOLuser for years and how he's a beta tester and how his DSL isn't working and how he had to buy a new computer because he didn't like the green text on the other one and whaa whaa and whine whine and neep neep.

Stupid fucker fights me every step of the way as I'm trying to help him, refuses to answer my questions, refuses to look at the computer to see if it has an ethernet port, when I finally get him to do it, he says there's no plug to plug into it. Gee, might that be because you don't have the cable?

The phone company told him that an AOL tech would be out there with a new modem in two days. The phone company has no say over what AOL will do. He neeped about this constantly, and used it as justification for not listening to me when I was trying to connect the modem because he was promised a new one. When I told him that the phone company said that his computer did not meet the requirements for DSL, he said that they didn't know what they were doing because they're not computer techs.

Ok, so when they're telling him what he wants to hear, they're perfect; when they say something he doesn't want to hear, they're idiots. Right. And I'm an idiot all the way around because I'm daring to try and do my job when he's been an AOLuser for all this time and he's a beta tester and his DSL isn't working and he had to buy a new computer because he didn't like the green text and whaa whaa...

Finally, he hung up on me because I wasn't telling him what he wanted to hear after threatening to cancel AOL several times. I think it was because I didn't immediately offer him lots of free time to stay. Personally, I'd be glad if he left; we don't need high-maintainence assholes like that.

Threatening an AOL tech with "I'll cancel!" is stupid. We don't care. You leave, that leaves 49,999,999 other people. At least some of which are not going to be as big assholes as you are.

By the way...the green text he was whining about, I fixed, because the same thing happened on his new computer, "And it only happened when I installed AOL!". It seems he had set the color scheme on the computer to 'high contrast', which is yellow or green text on a black background...but I'm the idiot.

Don't start a call by answering my spiel ending with 'Can you spell your screen name' with 'Yes, I can', and expect me to find it funny. It wasn't funny the first time more than six years ago, and it's gotten exponentially less funny each time I hear it.

Having thusly stepped on your dick, don't then go on to neep at me that your MSL (Multiple Simultaneous Login) hasn't been working in a couple of days and that as a result your kids are flunking out of school because they have to wait for the other one a whole hour!!!!! to use the computer for their homework, so of course you deserve an entire month free for the 'inconvenience'.

I don't care.

It's free anyway, and the terms of service do not guarantee anything but the fact that AOL will charge you for the AOL service. For some reason, sometimes it stops working, and needs to be reset. I reset it. It takes about three days to go through. There's nothing I can do about that; there's nothing anybody can do about that, it's how it works. Pissing and moaning at me gets you zip-dot-squat. I wouldn't give you credit for it to begin with, as we never give credit for less than two weeks of not being able to connect at all, and 'one person at a time' does not equal 'nobody', even if you try and change your story in the middle, and especially after pulling that lame-ass 'yes' bullshit on me you won't get a goddamn thing but to talk to the cancellation department, who will probably give you everything you want.

And my supervisor doesn't want to know you.

Fortunately, I spelled your screen name wrong (on purpose) anyway, so you're not going to get a survey. I hope the saves people told you to go piss up a rope and that they hoped your kids flunked, but I know they didn't.

The phone rings. Line noise so bad that I have to turn the volume down on my headset, and take one of the earpieces off.

Whiny New Yorker voice. Complaining that she can't get online with her DSL. The previous tech had put in a trouble ticket with the phone company about the noise on the line. The phone company apparently sent Mr Magoo out without his ear-horn to check, and he told her there was no problem on the line.

Note: EVERY SINGLE sentence I say in this has '"What?" [I repeat myself]' in between what I said and what she says. I just don't feel like typing or pasting it in every time, as it would be nearly as annoying to read as it was to have to hear.

"The noise on the line is causing the problem. Until the noise is fixed, the DSL is not going to work."
"The phone company told me that it was fixed!"
"Are you on the same line that the DSL is on?"
"Yes, why?"
"Because the noise on the line is causing the problem. Until the noise is fixed, the DSL is not going to work."
"But they were out here and they tested the line and they told me there weren't any problems! I want you to make it work!"

On the off chance it's a bad modem and nobody has checked it, I have her unplug the power to the DSL modem.

The noise gets louder.

"See, the DSL modem isn't connected at all now, and the noise is worse."
"But they told me there wasn't anything wrong!"

[Snip another ten minutes of the same ring around the rosy.]

"I would venture to suggest that they were incorrect. There is nothing I can do here, the problem is in your phone line, and you are going to have to call the phone company to have them fix the problem."

"Is there a supervisor there I can talk to?"

Bingo! She's said the magic word to make herself disappear. I transfer her over to the cancellation department, where they're probably STILL trying to explain it to her.

This one is a cheap bastard. Too cheap to want to pay AOL's regular price, they switched him to AOL's bastard child, Netscape. Netscape is a connection-only ISP, no connection to AOL services at all...

...but they charge 10$ a call for tech support, instead of AOL's being 'free'. So of course, he doesn't want to pay it, so he calls AOL.

AOL is a totally different program. It has nothing at all to do with Netscape's dialer, which I think was inherited when AOL bought Netscape. I've never seen it. I don't know how it works. I don't even know what its name is. So Cheap Bastard calls up and doesn't want to give me his username when I ask. I tell him I can't help him without that information, so he grudgingly gives it to me. Surprisingly, my AOL software doesn't find it, and I ask if there are any other screen names on the account. He says it's a Netscape account and that he just has a 'quick question'

So I try to explain that Netscape is an entirely different company and different program; so I don't have any information on how it works or what might be wrong with it, or how to set it up. So he starts neeping that it's the same company [No, it isn't. The same company owns both, but they are still seperate companies.] and that I'm just being mean because I won't help him and it's just a simple question and all he needs to know is what server to put in.

I interrupt to explain that there's nothing I can do, as I explained above, and if you bought a Schwinn bicycle, would you expect a Ford dealership to repair it. So he gets more aggressive and starts whining about how they want to charge him ten dollars for tech support. TEN DOLLARS! I explained that that was one of the costs of using Netscape, because AOL's 'free' tech support is paid for partly by the monthly expense, and mostly by the things that we're forced to sell you at the end of the call. Not to mention the constant ads everywhere.

He doesn't like that answer. My attitude is that he bought the cheap stuff and is now paying the price for it.

Of course, this is my fault. Personally. I personally am the reason that he can't find his dog and pony pr0n. I miss my mute switch and laugh at him, which goes over really well. [Have I mentioned that I hate New Yorkers? The whiniest and most demanding AOLusers that I have the pleasure of talking to are New York mooks. Second 'best' is New Jersey, which is pretty much the same thing.] I explain that he's out of luck, as AOL can't help him, so he's going to have to break down and pay the whole TEN DOLLARS that is making him almost cry. I can hear the little warble in his voice as he says it. I explain this several more times, and he finally says "Fuck you and AOL!"

"Sorry. You'd fall in love and I'd fall asleep. Thank you for calling America Online [click]"

AOL stopped doing bundled DSL and cable at the end of January 2003. I don't know why. Presumably, because they weren't making enough money from it, but they didn't tell me or ask my opinion .

This asshole calls in a few hours after the one above and is asking about bundled service. I explain that AOL stopped doing that, but I can get you to the Sit Useless By Phone department who can explain the options for high-speed connections in your area...

It interrupts to ask why AOL doesn't do it any more. I explain the above.

It interrupts again to tell me that I am an arrogant bastard because AOL doesn't offer bundled service anymore.

[Ten seconds of stunned silence]

"How do you figure that?"

It splutters for a while then says "Screw you!"

"Very mature, Sir. Thank you for calling America Online. [click]"

I was on a roll that day.

Look, I understand that AOL is your entire world and if your AOL isn't working, then you don't exist. It's stupid, but I can understand it. But if the phone company cuts your phone off for you not paying your bill, you not being able to connect to AOL has nothing to do with AOL. I don't care if you ordered it through AOL. It comes from the phone company. And if you don't pay for it, they take it away from you.

"Then you have to call them and have them turn it back on! It's your responsibility!" "Sorry, sir. We only handle the AOL software. You are responsible for maintaining your equipment and for the functioning of your non-AOL connection. You will need--"

It interrupts and goes back into how it's AOL's fault that he didn't pay his bill and it's AOL's fault that his connection isn't working because he ordered the DSL connection through AOL and we didn't tell him that he'd have to pay the phone company for it and wah waah waah. He knows it's SBC DSL and phone service because he told me to begin with, as in "SBC turned off my phone because I didn't pay my bill. I want you to turn it back on."

Actually, yes, they did. Sit Useless By Phone has a setup where they can order connections for people through the phone company's systems, but it is made very clear to them in a recorded announcement that they have to listen to and press a button to indicate their acceptance of that it is not in any way an AOL connection. The box that they get says 'SBC' or 'Bell South' or 'Verizon' on it, not AOL. We go around this circle three or four more times and now he wants a supervisor. My supervisor has gone home sick for the day, and I wouldn't bother him with this anyway. So, "No. My supervisor is not available and would do you no good anyway, as the problem is not with the AOL software. You need to get the connection working--" It interrupts again and starts trying to threaten me about how it'll cancel if we don't fix its problem.

"Sure. Would you like me to transfer you over now?"

"No! I want you to fix the problem like I pay you a lot of money for!"

"Actually, you're paying SBC the money, or you were until you stopped paying them. Your problem is not with AOL," It tries to interrupt again at this point. I just ride it down."your problem is with your phone line which you told me is not working because you haven't paid your bill. Since AOL has nothing to do with SBC, you will need to talk to SBC to get it fixed. Unfortunately I don't have a phone number for them. Would you like to call them, or would you like to talk to the cancellation department?"

This bozo. Furrfu. It isn't an AOLuser but it sure has the personality.

"I'm Ima Dumbass and I send a lot of mail to people" (for some stupid newsletter thing that nobody probably wants anyway) "and I'd like to know why AOL is censoring me."

"AOL isn't. It doesn't do that. Why do you think it is?"

"My emails are being returned with 'mailer daemon' errors."

"Ok, that's not censorship, that's a problem with the mail. Probably because you send a lot of it at once, AOL will block an address if it sends a large amount of email at once. To fix the problem go to the website postmaster.info.aol.com and follow the directions there."

"I want to talk to your postmaster department directly about this censorship."

"It isn't censorship, and we don't have a phone number for them." But, if you're not a dumbass, you can find one. But if you're really not a dumbass, you don't need one, "All you need to do is follow the directions on the website and they can add you to the whitelist so you don't get blocked."

We go around this ring a couple more times, then it starts with "I'm going to call my friends in DC and tell them --"

[Click]. I hang up on it. It isn't an AOL user. It's been given the information that it needs; it wants to whine about it. It's an idiot, not being able to tell the difference between 'your content is objectionable' and 'you're a spammer'. And it tries the argument from authority and to threaten me at the same time. It felt wonderful to hang up on that asshole.