Game over. The page is dead, thus the black background, because IBM's overly tight-assed security, and my CGS supervisor's supervisor got me fired. On the way out, I realized I'd left something that I needed in my desk, hurried back to get it, had to search through the desk and left a drawer containing nothing more confidential than a bag of potato chips unlocked. Apparently, shortly thereafter, someone found it. So, two strikes and I'm fired.
So, what happens to me, now? I don't really know. I'm going to California,leaving on July 24, to be with my fiancee and look for work out there. California companies apparently resepct things like loyalty, and recognize that five years in a company, working weekends and all holidays for years, and being out less than two weeks in that whole time, is worth something.
Again. Again and again and again and again. Why does it seem to continually astonish people that if they call the computer helpdesk for help with their computer that at some point during the call, we're going to need to be at the computer, with it turned on. I've had three calls today where it seemed to have completely flabbered their gasts that I was going to need to do something on the computer to fix their computer problems. PLEASE, people! If you call a helpdesk, have the bloody computer booted up, and be sitting at it! Not to mention that a 25 foot phone cord only costs two dollars at Wal-Mart. It'll save me a huge amount of frustration and you a lot of running back and forth.
In response to the above, I have created a "What to do when you have a problem" page.
I will get somewhat crude on this page. If you're liable to be offended by this, please go back to the main page and don't read this. Hate mail will be laughed at and deleted. Or if it amuses me enough, you'll be added to this page.
You Are Warned.
This comic, right here, along with this one explains a lot of what I have to deal with at work. Someone forgets their securID card, and decides they're going to change the settings around so they can get in anyway. "No, ma'am, you can not circumvent the million dollar security system by typing 'override' for the password."
Loser the First, and the one who inspired me to create this page.
This lUser is a rep for a pharmaceutical company named Roche Diagnostics. ALL of the people who work for this company are prima donna assholes, almost without exception. He calls in and says his Outlook isn't working. I ask how. Turns out he's got to wait for Outlook to do a synchronization when he starts it, and then if he wants his mail to be available offline, he's got to do a manual synchronization, and apparently this is just too much for his tiny little mind to encompass.
Now, Outlook has always worked like this. It hasn't ever, at least in the versions we support, done it on its own.
Mr. Loserboy says that before we reloaded his HD [Note. We don't reload hard drives. We are telephone tech support. His internal people reloaded it.] it automagically had all his mail available both online and offline without his having to do tools/synchronize/all folders, and he wants me to fix it. NOW. I explained to him that he was mistaken, as above. He says I'm lying. [Why do people call experts for help, then tell them they're wrong? If you know so much, why the FUCK did you call me?] I say nothing, at the cost of an elevated blood pressure and pulse count, and type my record. After a few moments of silence, he says 'Well?'.
"Well what?"
'Well aren't you going to fix it?'
"Sir, there isn't anything wrong with the program. It is working exactly as it's designed to."
'I don't appreciate you calling me a liar.'
"I didn't appreciate it when you called me one."
'I didn't call you a liar! I just want you to make it work again!'
"There's nothing wrong with the program. It is working exactly as it is designed to."
'Is there somebody else there I can talk to?'
This really pisses off tech support people. If you are given an answer, even if it's not an answer you like, don't ask us for a second opinion. This is our job and it is not our job to hide answers from you. If you are given an answer, it is the correct answer and hearing it from six other people is not going to make any difference, especially when you're such a shithead as above. There actually was an Outlook expert on the floor at the time (I am not, but I knew this answer), but by this time he'd pissed me off enough that I wasn't going to give him to anyone else, except in pieces.
"Everyone else will give you exactly the same answer, as this is how Outlook works."
'Is there a manager there?'
Bingo! He's said the magic word to make himself disappear."I'll have our duty manager call you." and before he can attempt to threaten me again, I hang up on him. I put everything in the record that he has said or whined about. This gives one the warm, toasty feeling of having one's ass covered.
I create the duty manager call. Later, I see that the duty manager call is gone, and check the record. The Outlook expert has called the lUser back and given him exactly the same answer. The annotated record ends with 'The user is not pleased'. GOOD. He's gotten what he deserves, and he's gotten the correct answer to one of his problems. The other of his problems he needs either a psychologist or a proctologist to fix, I'm not sure which.
|
Loser the Second
This lUser is a rep for another pharmaceutical company. Not the same as above.
[Background information follows. It's fairly long, so I put it here.]
He is trying to send a file to his manager through Outlook 2000. A simple operation. Open the message, address it, hit the paperclip and attach the message, hit send and it's all over. Total time, five minutes, maybe. 45 minutes later, I managed to focus his little mind long enough to get it done. The length of time was caused by a number of things, not least of which the fact that all the windows confused him and every couple of minutes he'd panic and close everything, and I'd have to start all over. I would have him attach the file, he isn't sure which file is the one he wants so he attaches one randomly, opens it from the message to see if it's the one; minimizes Excel, which the file opened in, then tries to send it and gets 'illegal operation'. Unfortunately, he wasn't telling me that he was minimizing Excel, he said he was closing Excel. When you have a file open, you can't send it, as it's locked by the first program to use it. After going through this eight times, including explaining that yes, if you want to send email, you have to have the email program open and please don't close it again, plus rebooting the computer and doing housekeeping, he finally mentions that a button on the toolbar says 'Excel' and the filename, and is that important? I didn't yell at him, I didn't even raise my voice. Finally, he managed to send his pointless little file and I got him off the phone. I put my face in my hands and tried to get my breathing under control, finally had to go outside and look at the stars for a while.
Update: It turns out that this dipshit is a serial offender. I got another call that was pretty much exactly the same as the one above, and mentioned [bitched about] it and one of the other techs asked what his name was. I told them, and another one said 'That idiot?'. We did a search through our records. It called in 53 times since January 1st, and fourteen of the calls were the same thing! 'User needs to attach excel file to message'. Gha! Its Outlook is mildly pooched anyway, as it's missing a toolbar and the usual way won't put it back, so next time we're sending it in for a HD reload. |
| Update to the Update: It turns out that this dipshit is a major offender; He's been calling in using a variant of his name [Jim instead of James, same phone #] and he's called in -=95=- times! The next nearest, one of our most feared repeat callers, has only called in 30 times in that same time period!
It was five minutes till I went home, so I didn't want to fool with him or his stupidity, so I didn't send him in for a reload this time, but I'll get him next time. And his little Excel file too!
Update to the updated update: Busted! Hah! The account coordinator noticed on his own [I didn't say anything to him...] that this idiot has called in so many times and is going to contact the company about it. He's called in even more than the above because not everybody spells his name the same. At 35$ a shot, this monkey has cost his company almost four thousand dollars, all by his little loser lonesome. Hopefully they'll charge him for them...[happydance] |
Loser the Third
Next on our parade of pinheads, someone who doesn't seem to understand the simplest of explanations. She starts off like the one just above [Same background information as above.]. Tells me who she works for, and what kind of computer she has, and so on and so forth in this droning voice. I interrupt, because it sounds like it's going to go on for a while, and I've got more calls to handle and honestly better things to do. I ask what problem she's having and she gets pissy, saying that it was rude for me to interrupt her and that she was told to give all this information [No, actually, she wasn't. I've seen the doc that tells them what to do when they call us.] and how do I know what she has. I proceed to tell her in detail exactly what she has, and ask again what her problem is. She continues arguing with me over whether or not I should have interrupted her. I explain, again, that I already know everything about her system, that's why I'm her tech support, and all I need to know is what problem she's having. Now she doesn't like my 'attitude'. What is it with people and the word 'attitude'? They say it like it's some horrendously devastating attack on my character and I should just slink off and do myself in for daring to be of the same species as them. I explain to her again that I need to know what her problem is, and she asks if there's someone else she can talk to. As I said above, this really pisses off tech support people, and I told her that even if there was someone else here [there wasn't] that they were going to ask her the same exact question, as that is our job, and presumably, the reason she called. I finally get her to admit that she did have a problem, and that she didn't just call me to demonstrate her scintillating wit and astonishing command of the English language. Her problem is that she doesn't know her Windows login password. [Bear in mind that by this point, the call is 20 minutes old and I've just now gotten her to tell me what the problem is.] I explain that the password should be the same as her Outlook password. She doesn't know what her outlook password is. Transferred her to the people who do handle passwords. Elapsed time from beginning of call: 40 minutes. Actual necessary time, to determine problem and transfer to correct place: Five minutes or less. But I'm the one with the attitude.
|
Loser the Fourth
A couple of hours after the above, another one. This one, even after unnecessarily explaining the mechanics of how to dial into the network and having me confirm it, still doesn't get it. Her Outlook is taking a long time to download attachments. I told her that under the best of circumstances, it can take 7-10 minutes per meg to download an attachment. She says she's waited seven minutes. Checked user's connection speed, something like 21k. Advised user that she is running at about a third of the maximum speed, and that she'd be better off doing 'synchronize all folders' which will copy everything from the server to her local machine. It'll still take as long to download everything, but it's all at once instead of ten minutes here, ten minutes there. Then she wants a step-by-step explanation of how to do the whole procedure. Despite the fact that she already explained it to me. She asks how to do a synchronization, I tell her. FIFTEEN TIMES.
"And before that?"
'Before what?'
"Before doing the synchronization?"
'Open Outlook?'
"And before that?"
'Before what?' [resigned, knowing what's coming next.]
[Mute switch ON]
Both of us together: "Before I open Outlook?"
[Mute switch OFF]
'You dial into the network.'
"And how do I do that?"
'Just like you've told me you did' [MUTE] not two minutes ago.
Then she wants to argue over when exactly to do a synchronization. I tell her it doesn't matter. She asks again, in a slightly different way. I tell her again that it doesn't matter. She asks what the most efficient way would be. I said probably to do it when you opened Outlook. She pounces on this as an admission that I've been lying to her all along, and asks for someone else. I explain to her that I am the senior tech, and that anyone else who gets the call is going to read her my record and tell her exactly the same thing. She complains that I won't answer her question, I explain that I've answered it a number of times already and can't figure out any way to explain the same thing in a different way again. She asks for someone else and finally I give up beating my brain against her invincible idiocy and park her so someone can call her back. Two hours later, someone does, and reads my record to her again, but this time she's happy. Fucking morons. |
Loser the Fifth
THIS asshole is pissy because it had to call back to get the answer for its problem when the original tech didn't know how to fix it and had to research the problem. The problem was that Word had yiffed up a template that someone had sent him. We tried for two days to get hold of this monkey, its number was busy and its voice mail was not working. Someone finally got through and left a message to call us for the answer.
Now I'm lucky enough to get it. It's complaining because whoever left the message did not leave the answer. It complained about the service and that it always had to call in four or five times to get its pathetic little life back on track. I checked the back records and this asshole has called in 14 times since January 1st, and every single one was answered in one call. Once he started off by bitching at the call entry rep [not technicians, they just route the call to the appropriate section] enough that the call entry person put it in the record.
I don't know why the person who left the message didn't leave the fix ["It's pooched. Get someone to send it to you again."] in the message, but I had nothing to do with the call at all, and it spent 15 minutes pissing and moaning at me about how bad our service is. After it asked for a manager. At the time, it was slightly after 5pm. All of the managers had left already, and were likely stuck in traffic halfway across a notoriously bad bridge. Thus I could not give it a specific time that the manager would call back, but it would be as soon as possible. It begins badgering me for a specific time, saying that 'I am the CUSTOMER'. Yeah, I know that. I only talk to customers. And in tech support, customers are not always, or even usually, right. I can't teleport the manager to the phone, I have no control over his movements at all.
'So what am I supposed to do, just sit here and wait for a call?'
You really don't want me to tell you what I think you should do at this point. Since I've answered this question several times already, I just type my record.
'You just want me to go away so you can type, is that right? I'm the CUSTOMER!!'
And I'm the one who gets the pleasure of your company. Should I be impressed? You were given the answer, and you're still giving me shit. And the faster you shut up and get off the phone, the sooner the manager will be able to call you.
I continue typing the record, giving it the same answer every time it asks the same question, and finally it gives up and hangs up.
Update: The manager called the lUser back, and gave it exactly the same answer I did, reading it from the record just like I did, and after a bit of bitchy about having to call in so many times [twice], it was happy. Doofus. |
Loser the Sixth
This one is apparently blind and deaf. Trying to delete temporary files, I say "Type C, colon, backslash-the-one-over-the-enter-key, shift-and-the-key-to-the-left-of-the-number-one-one-time--"
"It went all the way across. Was it supposed to do that?"
"No, you were only supposed to hit that once."
"Ok, I deleted everything. Now what?"
[Mute, sigh, unmute, repeat above.] User does, and hits 'find now', then gets a message saying 'Filename is not acceptable'. User calls over daughter to read message as user is not wearing glasses. Filename is 'C;...'. Advised user to use colon, not semicolon. User finally gets it typed in. Told user to hit 'Find Now' button on Find window.
"Where is that?"
"On the right side of the find window."
"I don't see it."
"There are three buttons on the right side of the find window..."
"I don't have a button on the keyboard--"
"On the window, not on the keyboard."
"Oh, you didn't say that."
[growls softly]
Later...
"Ok, on the bottom left corner of the find window it should say 'a number' of files found."
"Yes, it says ~65RTS.TMP."
"No, on the bottom left of the window there should be a number and the words 'of files found'."
"Yes, it says ~65R--"
[interrupting]"No, on the [speaking slowly and distinctly] Bottom. Left. Corner. Of. The. Find. Window. There should be a number, like one, or twenty-five, and the words Files. Found."
"Oh, you mean here where it says '32 files found'?"
"YES."
The rest of the call is mercifully short. |
Loser the Seventh
"Hi, this is StarChaser, can I have your problem number please?"
"Jeff?"
"No, this is StarChaser, can I have your problem number please?"
"Jeff?"
"No. This is StarChaser. Can I Have Your Problem Number Please."
"Jeff?"
[sigh] "No, sir, my name is StarChaser. What is your problem number?"
"Oh." [finally gives it. Surprisingly, it's not his phone number. It turns out I'd
talked to him about half an hour ago.]
"I'm having the same problem."
[The problem I talked to him on, the problem number he gave me, was a hardware problem and I'd escalated him to have something replaced.]
"You have to wait until the new cable comes."
"What?"
"You have to wait until the new cable comes."
"What cable?"
"The cable I ordered for you."
"Oh. I was talking to Jeff earlier [No shit.] and I had another problem."
[Then why didn't you give me that problem number? I get the other tech to open the call he'd spun off the first one. Turns out this mook has a major problem with names; he spent most of that call calling Jeff 'Jim'. The problem is one that is either fixed by rebooting the system, or if that doesn't work, he needs to have a programmer dial into his system and fix something. I start to tell him to reboot, and he says that Jeff already had him do that. Good, now I don't have to talk to you anymore.]
"You're going to have to call ETM in the morning."
"Oh. Ok. Thanks, Jeff."
My real name doesn't sound anything like 'Jeff'. It's two syllables and begins with an entirely different letter. And in the face of repeated correction he still calls me 'Jeff'. And when he actually was talking to Jeff, he couldn't remember that, he kept calling him 'Jim'. 'User has dead short in BKA.' |
Loser the Eighth
| |
One of our customers uses a Sharp handheld computer to take signatures from the doctors they deliver drug samples to. When they get home, they 'transmit', which connects the Sharp to the laptop, dials into the company mainframe and transfers the data.
One of the most common problems is that MS Activesync doesn't, for whatever reason, want to connect to the Sharp. Generally it can be done fairly easily manually.
I knew this one was a winner before I had to talk to it, because I heard the call entry rep repeat himself like three times while trying to identify himself and obviously being interrupted.
"Ok, on the top left corner of the Sharp's keyboard, next to the escape key is a little round hole that says 'reset'."
"Where?"
"On the top left corner of the Sharp's keyboard."
"I don't see it. Is it next to where it says 'Compaq'?"
"No, on the Sharp's keyboard."
"The what?"
[sigh] "The Sharp."
"Oh. Ok, I found it. Does the Sharp need to be on?"
"To do anything at all on the Sharp, it needs to be turned on."
"Ok, It's off. Nothing happened."
"Do you have the Sharp turned on?"
"No, you said to turn it off."
[growls] "No. Sir, I said to do anything on the Sharp, it has to be turned ON."
"Oh. Well, it's on the docking station now, and it turned itself on. Should I turn it off?"
"No. Sir. It needs to be turned on to do anything on the Sharp."
"Ok, I turned it off."
Finally managed to get it to leave the stupid thing on long enough for it to manage to connect, then hung up on him before he did something else stupid and I'd have to continue to talk to him. |
Loser the Ninth
This monkey starts off the call with 'I'm an [important person of some sort. I forget what exactly he said. ] and I'm in Bermuda, and I need help dialing in.'.
Now, we don't support the dialin process for this customer [Another financial company. What is it about these people that makes them, invariably, assholes?] and thus I have no information on it. I attempt to explain this, but monkeyboy keeps interrupting me, reminding me that he is $IMPORTANT_PERSON, and demanding digital answers to analog questions. Every time I try to explain, it interrupts me and says 'All I want from you is 'yes' or 'no'.' Finally, I reach my ever-lowering threshold of tolerance and say 'Yes, whatever, ok'.
It doesn't like that. 'Are you planing on helping me? I want to talk to someone who is able to help me.'
Well, I've been trying to, but you won't shut the hell up. It says it's going to turn the computer off and start over. [Why do these idiots always have the computer either turned off or in another room when they call? I mean it's not like it's a surprise that we're going to need to work on the thing, is it?]
It then tells me in, as far as I can tell, correct order how to dial in to the system. It gets connected, then asks what it should do, should it open Notes?
"Is Notes what you want to use?"
"Yes, like I told you at the beginning!"
"No, actually, you said you couldn't dial in. Is Notes what you want to use?"
It asks for my name, and if I have a code number or something. I give it my first name.
"And your last name?"
"Is none of your business." By this time, I was fairly pissed off myself, and somewhat less than diplomatic. My goal in these calls is to get the lUser off the phone as quickly as possible. The best way to do this is to solve their problem, but if they want to argue with me, I will eventually begin to argue back. Besides, it's company policy that they don't get our last names.
"I don't like your attitude."
"That's nice. Is Notes what you want to use?" After some more arguing and blustering about what an important little idiot it is, [it must have reminded me 10 times in this 15 minute call that it was an important monkey] it remembered that it had someone waiting on it and finally opened Notes. It got the password it was expecting, then asked what it should do.
"If you want your email, you have to open the email database."
"And how do I do that?"
[Moment of stunned silence. This program is this monkey's main tool, the thing that allows it to do its job, and it doesn't know how to use it.]
"Doubleclick the mail icon."
"It says it's replicating."
"That means it's working. It may take a while."
"Thank you for your help." [in an extremely sarcastic tone of voice.] "I'm going to call your mana--"
"Goodbye."
[click]
Gha. What an asshole. Why do people call experts for help and give them constant shit? If you know so much, why did you call me?
Note: This loser is from the same company that "The 'Important'" was from. It's sad how this empty this company's employees' little lives are that they have to keep reminding people that 'I'm important!'. |
Loser the Tenth
A rather amusing loser this time around. Yet Another financial idiot [It frightens me that these people are allowed to have computers, let alone handle other people's money...] who after having to be asked for her problem number four times, instantly starts in that the firewall is down. Most of these people wouldn't know a down computer if it barked in their faces, so I try to do some problem determination. She completely refuses to listen to me at all, insisting that it's not her software, it's the firewall and why am I wasting her time? After several tries, I finally gave up and transferred her to Ted, her internal.
Ted asked what I'd done, and I explained; he asked why I was transferring her and I told him "Because I don't have the authority to tell her to go to hell.". He laughed and took the call.
Five minutes later, he calls back; she cussed and bitched at him then hung up before he could do anything at all. He then did the second nicest thing I've had anyone do in this job so far; he apologized to me for having to put up with her abuse.
She calls in later and another tech gets her. She screeches and bitches at him that she's got to have this done in three hours and she's only got an hour to do it [Yeah, I know. It didn't make any sense to us, either.] and she wants it fixed now! Unable to do anything with her, much like I was, he transfers her to Ted again. Jeff mutes his mike and stays on, wanting to hear what's going to happen. I keep hearing him laughing and going 'Oh man!', so finally this tiger's curiosity gets the better of him, I find a spare gazinta and plug into his phone to listen. She's on a cheap-ass speakerphone and sounds like she's got her foot caught in an echo canyon. [Or it might just be the echoing in her ego.] Ted is trying to get her to shut the computer down as I plug in. A moment of 'silence', where it sounds like she's smashing her place up with a hammer, and he asks "Is it shutting down?"
"It's booting back up."
[sigh] "Ok, what's it doing?" [Long pause]
"Hello?"
"What? I'm doing what you told me to!"
This lack of communication goes on for about 10 minutes, interrupted constantly by screeching about how much she has to do and how much time she has to do it in and how utterly important a monkey she is and how she hates to have to fuck around with this and cussing at him and [Insert sound of Worlds Smallest Violin playing 'My Heart Pumps Purple Piss For You']
Finally, Ted has Had Enough. He cuts off another blast of invective and tells her that he can no longer try to help her, because she doesn't seem to want to be helped; he's working on the weekend on his own time to help with emergencies and this is just wasting his time; and "...I don't care what level you're at, I'm going to report your conduct to Human Resources."
She starts yelling again and he says "Goodbye" loudly and hangs up. The other tech and I are laughing so hard that we almost miss hanging up, leaving us connected to her.
Ted, for apologizing to me, I'd like to thank you; and for telling her to shut the hell up and reporting her to the HR people for being abusive I'd like to salute you. That's honestly one of the nicest things that's happened in this job. Thank you. |
Losers the Eleventh
| | This is not so much a single loser as a whole class of them. What's worse, they're supposed to be techs. One of our customers is doing a big rollout of a bunch of new computers. Rather than rely on the notoriously poor comprehension skills of the users, they've hired IBM CE's to go out and do the switchover.
Now, these users are going from IBM 600e thinkpads to the new T-20's. All the programs are pre-loaded on the new systems, and all the tech really has to do is copy some data files from one to the other with an external zip drive, and follow a simple checklist to configure the dialin. Admittedly, the checklist has one or two fuckups [We didn't write it.], and there's nothing wrong with calling in for that.
I just spent half an hour teaching an IBM tech who probably makes twice what I do how to copy files. In Windows NT. Not even in some arcane backup software. Just edit / copy, edit / paste. The user started telling the tech how to do it, having more of a clue. [We were on a speakerphone.]
"I think he wants you to do [what I had told her to do three times and she still wasn't getting.]" This is just sad...One 'tech' spent nine hours at the user's house, from 1pm to 10pm. He finally threw her out and said he'd do it himself.
Update: We've just had one 'tech' [The one just above, with the Zip disk problem] call in four times in 40 minutes. First with the dumb question, "Do I need a disk in the Zip drive?" All the others on the same question, "How do I copy files?" He tried to be sneaky this last time, and asked how to copy a directory...totally oblivious to the fact that in the record I told him how to copy a directory, because the directions say 'copy this directory' and I didn't want to confuse him more than he already was. This is so pathetic. I sent mail to my supervior to have his supervisor talk to him. He called in again while I was typing this, and now he wants the other tech to stay on the line and hold his hand while he copies a couple of hundred megs of data in case he gets lost again. And he makes twice what we do.
Updated update: This same loser called in another six times the next day for the same fucking thing! This is just pathetic...I'm good at what I do, but I didn't think I was this good. If it's this hard to copy files, I must be a god because I can format a disk...I wonder if I can transfer over to be a field tech...
|
Loser the Twelfth
This idiot works for the same company as #2 and #3 above. It calls in, having removed both batteries from its handheld computer, and being surprised that it erased everything on it. [The handhelds use volatile memory and depend on power to keep their information. You can change either the backup or the main battery, but if you have both of them out at once, it's gone.] It tells me a huge amount of background information that I don't need in this droning voice, in the face of my telling it I don't care. It doubleclicks when you tell it to right click, it right clicks when you tell it to doubleclick, when you tell it to restart the computer [Even after giving it explicit directions, 'Click on start. Click on 'shut down'. Choose 'restart'. Hit 'ok'.] it shuts it down, if you tell it to shut down it either restarts, or just shuts it off with the power switch, then you have to repair that.
I finally manage to focus it long enough to get the rebuild started to put its information back on the stupid thing, and only then does it bother to tell me that it's not a field rep. It got hold of this Sharp somehow, and should not have had it, but it likes to use it for its Outlook. It gives me five minutes of utterly pointless information ["Three weeks ago, I was using an Excel worksheet and it gave me some problems, but I got it fixed. Then Word had a problem, it wouldn't show any pictures, but I got that fixed..." [Yes, that was a direct quote. Things that are A) completely irrelevant to why it called, and B) had been fixed a month ago are deemed important enough to tell me, but the information that its system is not intended to have this function on it is not.]]
If it had bothered to tell me this at the beginning of the call, I'd have been saved half an hour of irritation and frustration, and just sent it to its company that would have told it to send in the thing to begin with, as it shouldn't have it. And worse, it will probably complain when the call is surveyed. I tend to get a little monotone after having to repeat the same simple directions ['Doubleclick the icon.'] six times in two minutes, and having it utterly ignored.
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Loser the Thirteenth
This monkey starts off agressive. It thinks it can browbeat me into fixing a problem that is not fixable over the phone. Wrong thing to try. Do not start with me, you will not win; I have a volume control and a much louder voice.
It is trying to download its physician data from the intranet. Its company has told it it is available; this is incorrect. [This is almost always incorrect. They send out messages saying 'your (foo) data is available' days in advance of it actually being put on the website.] I tell it that 'file not found' means that the file is not on the website, and --
It interrupts. I hate that. 'No, you people fixed this last time over the phone.'
"No, sir, we didn't. We have no--"
It interrupts again. [Something occurs to me while typing this. I check the area code; New Jersey. Why does this not surprise me?]
'Yes, you did. You had me go somewhere and rightclick something and choose properties.' Way to give detailed directions, luserboy.
"No, sir, we did not. We do not --"
Guess what? 'Yes you did! You had me go into explorer then right click on DSS and choose properties, then you gave me a code to put in there and it worked!'
What it just described, for those of you not already laughing, is changing the name of the directory. Changing the name of a directory on one's computer has absolutely no effect on a file that is not on an entirely different computer.
"Ok." It has described something that will not work. It has told the expert several times that he is wrong. It obviously knows better than I do. So I'll let it burble for a while, as I type the record.
It repeats the above after 20 seconds or so of silence, when it realizes that I haven't been intimidated into giving up the sekrit k0d3...
"No, sir, that will not work. You need to talk to ETM in the mor--"
'Is there anyone there who can help me?'
"No, sir, or I would have transferred you to them. You need to talk to --"
'Fine. How do I get in touch with them?'
"You need to call--"
'All right! How do I call them?'
"You need to call--"
'I said alright, already! How do I call them?'
"You need to call--" It tries to interrupt at this point again. As I said, I have a much louder voice, and just rode it down, getting louder as it tries to interrupt again. "--If you will stop interrupting me for two seconds, I'll tell you! You need to call YOUR INTERNAL HELPDESK IN THE MORNING. IT IS THE SAME PHONE NUMBER, CHOOSE OPTION 1 THEN OPTION 2."
Silence. It's possible I hurt its ear. Somehow, this would not break my heart. After a moment, it hangs up. It is now off my phone, and that's all I really wanted. I type the record up, including the fact that the user would not follow directions and was argumentative. I'm sure that it's going to bitch to it's manager. |
Loser the Fourteenth
A new high. I don't even really know exactly how to explain this one. As with number 11, this is not a single user.
It's the whole bloody company.
Some terminally butt-clenched little beancounter, in a desperate attempt to justify its job, has decided that everything has to have a power-on password on it and be locked up. And, and all the stupid passwords were the same! Apparently someone realized the stupidity of this, and went around and changed all the passwords...without telling anyone. So, I come in one night, and I can't get into my computer.
What this means, is that if I have a problem with one of my computers, I might as well just go home; there's no hope of using someone else's. The customer machines that had been left out for people to do their job now have to be locked in desks. I won't be able to see what the customer is seeing, which is the entire point of having a copy of the company's computers.
The computers we have from the companies have either no data at all, or phony data. There is nothing on any of these machines that would be worth more than the machine itself.
It gets better. We are not allowed to have any paper on the desk. At all. Another 'security breach'.
We're in a secured building. To get to any of my computers, someone would have to go past at least three cameras and two badge readers. But after having cleverly infiltrated the building in this way, they are going to be stymied by the lack of a pad of sticky notes.
And all of this utterly and completely ignores the fact that if there was anything worth stealing, it would be trivial to email it. If it was too big for that, one could set up an FTP server and FTP it. Or, in the most devious way possible, one could put it on a goddamn floppy disk and stick it in your pocket.
I don't know how it's managed to get past them all four and a half years that I've been here, but nobody wants any of this crap. Aventis's handheld computers have been sitting quietly on their docks, totally unsecured, for four and a half bloody years and not once has one of them disappeared for more than a couple of days, when someone forgetfully left it on his desk instead of putting it back where it belonged. The most information one could get from one of the Roche machines is that they sell pharmaceutical supplies. They might even be able to find out what kind of pharmaceutical supplies.
And there isn't a damn thing on them that you couldn't find out right now with ten minutes of searching on the internet. Or five minutes of asking your pharmacist, or doctor.
I just went to their website. They actually have more information easily available to the public than we do on these computers.
The only effect of this is to make it harder to do our jobs. We won't be able to get to half of the things we need, since I now work the night shift and everyone else will be gone, locking their systems up as they go; if there's a problem with our computers [And believe it or not, sometimes a Windows system just stops working...] we're helpless, we won't be able to do anything; we have to make sure that our desks are locked on pain of being fired, as if the fact that someone can get to the paper plates or cough drops in my desk will bring the company down. [If it was that easy, I'd have done it years ago.]
This is just blatantly fucking stupid. There's really no other way to put it. Bloody IBM has lost it's fucking mind. I'm waiting for them to start wanting to search us as we come in. |
| The theme: A simple question. |
| Q: Hi, this is StarChaser, can I have your problem number, please? |
| And the chaos that ensues. |
| A: | Huh? |
 |
| A: | [phone number with area code] |
| "No, the six digit problem number they just gave you." |
| "Oh, ok..." [phone number with area code] |
|
| A: | They didn't give me one. |
| [Despite the fact that nobody gets past call entry without one. I ask their name and put them on hold for ~2 mins
as punishment.] |
|
| A: | [Launches immediately into problem description] |
| [interrupting] I need the problem number they gave you. |
| "But it's not really a problem, I just need to know how to..." [back to problem description] |
|
| A: | [silence] |
| I wait for a moment, figuring maybe they put the phone down, then say "Hello?" |
| 'Hello.' |
| [repeat original question with emphasis] |
| [usually goes into one of the above] |
|
|
| A: | [letter, number, letter letter territory code]
|
| "No, the six digit problem number they just gave you." |
| "Oh, ok..." [phone number with area code] |
|
| A: | I didn't write it down because I didn't think it was important. |
| Maybe not to you, but we use it to get paid, thanks. |
|
| The theme: Another simple question. |
| Q: Did you get an error message? |
| A: | Yes. |
|
| A: | Yeah, but I just clicked past it because it wasn't important. |
|
| A: | Yeah, it said error something. Why? Was that important? |
|
| The theme: Yet another simple question. |
Q: What kind of computer do you have?
Note: This is after working on the problem and determining that some sort of hardware needs replacement. |
| A: | Huh? |
|
| A: | Why? |
|
| A: | Windows. |
|
| A: | Black / Grey / Tan |
|
| A: | Word 2000. |
|
| A: | Office 97. |
|
| A: | Is that important? |
|
 |  |
| The Reader | This one reads everything on the screen, whether or not you actually need it, and in the face of pleading to stop. Usually speaks at about 300 baud, and if you do manage to interrupt, and ask for just what the error message says, you usually get a testy "I'm trying to tell you!". Then it loses its place and starts over back at the beginning. By the end of the call, you're nearly crying with frustration, waiting for the droning voice to give you the one tiny piece of information you actually needed. |
| The 'Computer Literate' | This one thinks it knows something about computers. It attempts to impress the support tech by using buzzwords, and sometimes even actual computer terms. Of course, it always uses them incorrectly. I had one monkey start a call with "I'm an MCSE", then he paused as if waiting for me to fall down in a faint. Yeah, right. I obviously know more than he does, because he called me. And why did he call? He couldn't figure out how to create a shortcut on his desktop. And he's an MCSE. Do not try and impress us like this, we will laugh you out of the room and heckle you to death. Certifications don't impress me. I don't have any, but I know more than MCSE's and A+'s. |
| The 'Important' | This one thinks that it is the most important person in the world and that everything and everyone is subordinate to it. As an example of this one, I once had someone call in, having lost an Excel sheet. They opened the sheet, saved it and gave it a name, worked on it for several hours, then closed Excel and answered 'no' to 'do you want to save your changes'. The program performed its function and her work disappeared. She opens the file, and it is, for some strange reason, blank, and I WILL retrieve it for her, because she is $IMPORTANT_PERSON. I explain that she has hosed herself and it is lost.
"No, that's not acceptable. There is a way to retrieve this file, and you will do it. NOW."
"No, ma'am, there is no way to recover data that you told it to delete. If it had crashed, there is a possibility, but if you told it to delete, there is not."
She starts screeching, and [after other imprecations] says 'I'll have your job!'
"You wouldn't want my job. It means I have to talk to people like you.
[click]" |
| The Jumper | This one doesn't wait for the instructions, it just goes ahead and does what it thinks you wanted it to do. Tell it 'click on the icon', and wait for confirmation, and you hear 'click... clickclick... typetypetype... click... type...' "What are you doing?" 'Well, I thought I knew what you wanted me to do, but it doesn't work at all, now...' |
| The Know-it-all | This one already did that. It doesn't matter what you say, it always says 'I already did that'. If you repeat yourself patiently and repeatedly, eventually it will do what you tell it to, singing its song the whole way. Once you manage to get it to do the correct procedure, it will be utterly astonished that doing it correctly worked. Surprise. If you LISTEN to the tech, the problem goes away. Imagine that. |
| The Parrot | This one repeats everything you say. Every direction, it asks if it's supposed to do that, then fucks it up anyway.
"Ok, click on start, then find, then 'files and folders'."
'Ok, I've clicked on start. Now what?'
"Now click on find, then 'files or folders'."
'Ok, I've clicked on Programs. I see a bunch of files and folders. Should I click on them?' |
| The Lonely | This one is lonely and the tech is its only contact with humanity. It wants to talk about sports or weather or how bad the programs are, it wants you to hold its hand while it does the most mundane tasks. One can often hear an annoyed 'User needs friend!' after a call... |
| The Minimalist | This one thinks that the name of the operating system is 'Window', and every time you tell it to open another window, it's got to close the first one, despite having been explicitly told 'leave that window open and...'. |
| The Whiner | This one complains because it's got all [three of] those passwords to remember, and isn't there some way to make it easier? It's so HARD to have to open the file when all it wants to do is read it...WHY is my computer so SLOW? The bastard child of Jerry Lewis and Urkel. |
| The Traditionalist | Whatever random dumb things they've been doing to the computer, now it's not working. "But it worked like that before!" No, it didn't. You can't plug a printer cable into the computer, print, unplug the printer cable, carry it across the room [making sure to hold the ends up, so the data doesn't spill out], plug it into the printer and have it print. And it didn't work like that yesterday. |
| The Unbeliever | "I work for the company..." Yes, I know that. The person you talked to not five seconds ago took that information and it's in the record that I have here in front of me. "And I have a " Yes, I know that, too. "And I'm working in one of our custom programs, called..." Yes, I know that as well. It's all right here. "Are you familiar with that?" No, I'm a janitor and happened to be wandering past when the phone rang. Why would a support tech answer the tech support line? |
| The Blatant Liar | This one is a combination of a couple of different types, but the overwhelming characteristic is that it exaggerates all out of proportion. "Every time I call it takes four or five calls to get the problem fixed!" [Checking its history of the last nine months, one single call has taken one callback to fix.]
"Last time this happened, you fixed it while I was on the phone!" [No, we didn't. If Windows says it's missing a DLL file, either it's corrupted, or, more likely, YOU deleted it; in either case it can't be fixed over the phone, and nobody did it for you before, either.] |
| The Horrified Mother | This one is actually funny. Mom's kid uses the computer sometimes when she's not home.
"I have all these files named things like 'horseluv.mpg' on my desktop. How do I get rid of them?"
"Ok, I can help you delete them, but don't doublecl--"
[Sound effect: Whinny Whinny Moan Moan]
"Oh my GOD, that's DISGUSTING! I'm going to KILL that kid!"
| | The Inconsiderate | It's eating while it calls, usually something sticky or crunchy, with lots of smacking; or it has one of its maggots on its lap, indulgently letting it howl in my ears; or its yap-dog has seen a speck of dust land and is stridently announcing the fact; or the TV/radio is on at the top of its electronic lungs, or something similar, or any combination of the above. I tend to get 'accidentally' disconnected from these people, or talk really softly so they can't hear me, suggesting they turn down the TV / muzzle the dog / strangle the brat / put down the Ho-Ho when they ask why. |
| The Cheap Phone | This one has either a cheap cellphone, or a bad speakerphone that sounds like they're shouting into a tin bucket at the bottom of an echo canyon far away. [Not far enough...] "I'm [garble static warble noise]."
"What? You broke up."
"I said, I'm [garble static warble noise]!"
"You broke up again. Can you pick up the phone?"
"What, are you fucking deaf!?"[Strangely, insults always come through.] I generally start flipping my mute switch on and off randomly while I'm talking so he hears me breaking up and eventually picks up the handset like I asked, or hangs up and is off my phone, which is, after all, the point. |
| The Ventriloquist | Either the caller is not the one who actually owns the computer, or they do, but they can't afford a phone cord long enough to reach to where the computer is. So instead, we get to play 'Telegraph'. Say something to this person, they pass it to that person, garbling it completely in transition, then back again with the results. I once told one "Click on Start" and heard
"He said 'thickest part'!" Then from the one at the computer, "Flicker dart? What the hell does that mean?"
| The
Deaf-And-Dumb | Despite being told precisely where the feature you're trying to get them to activate is, they can't find it and they argue with you over whether it's actually there or not. "I do not have a start button on my computer except for the one on the bottom left corner..."
[Waits for light to dawn...
.
..
...Thomas Edison lived in vain.] |
| The Forgetful | Can't remember anything for 30 seconds together. When given the problem number and explicitly told to write it down, it forgets in 10 seconds or less. After being told your name four freakin' times in a row it can't remember it for the duration of a two minute call.
On the other hand, this isn't necessarily bad... |
Back to a saner state.
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Years